Who has time to be tired?

Or blog, for that matter? I would write extensively about how I had 4 clients deliver in 3.5 days, including one emergency section, one baby transported to a different hospital NICU than mom, 4 different hospitals and about 13 hours of sleep.....but I can't. We're having 24 people over for a Passover Seder tonight. Send caffeinated thoughts! And at least there's this: I am free to have the obligatory 4 cups of Passover wine since I am no longer on call:)

What a long, strange trip it's been

The last three weeks have been a total blur. Between dealing with a friends horrific loss and my own family being sick for 3 weeks, I feel like I have lost many days of my own life. Oh, and yeah, I was away visiting family for 5 days, too.

Part of this trip involved meeting up with all of my siblings and driving to middle-of-nowhere-but-up-a-scary-mountain, California to see my dad's place and meet his girlfriend.



She was very nice, fine, whatever. Then I found out she had a home birth and all of a sudden I started to like her a little more:) Though interestingly enough, that birth was her fifth and she said if given the chance (not likely, as she is 60) she wouldn't do it again. She didn't want the drugs, just the safety she felt the hospital assured her. It made me think about what I feel the most strongly about is not how any one woman in particular births, but that it is her right to have access to whatever type of care she desires. I wish the feminist movement would take birth on as a choice issue. If we deserve the right to choose to have a baby, shouldn't we also have the right to have it on our own terms?

While we were in the aforementioned small town, my dad wanted to take us to see the zoo that his "spiritual community" owns. Lots of animals that I am not sure belong in a zoo, like emus and 2 manecoon cats with their own personal shrine to their leader, which I do not understand personally as I think my cat is the least conscious being in my house, but that is neither here nor there. After we visited the "regular" zoo, we were to go see the "camel" zoo. Apparently there is some concern that the camels would be either killed or stolen, so they keep them at this hidden space way the fuck up this already isolated mountain. This drive in my rented Hyundai Elantra caused me a severe panic attack. As we were leaving I realized I could not operate the vehicle without a valium, so I gave the keys to my sister. Then she drove the car into a ditch. Over a big rock. Then we had to be towed. Lots of fun. Luckily the folks at enterprise didn't care about their cars because their inspection showed no scratches.

The small highlight of the zoo experience was that two of the camels, mother and daughter, were pregnant. The mother was due to give birth any day. The camel guy told me they birth standing up and the baby drops onto the ground. Ouch! I was tempted to camp out up there to see if I could camel-doula, but I decided sitting on the couch and drinking wine from Napa was a far better idea.

Made in May, Born in February

I cannot believe it's February. In three days I will be 33, which is not nearly as exciting as the fact that Dr. Oz says my "real age" is 31.8. Hooray for young cells! Too bad I have about as much hair and cellulite as my 84 year old grandmother. At least I'm young on the inside. February is also my younger daughter's birthday, the anniversary of my successful and redemptive home birth. Whenever I think about her birth story, I always remember my sister telling me I hummed throughout the whole thing. I don't have a body memory of doing so, but really, why would she lie about that?

Whenever I think about having more children it seems like a ridiculous idea: I have a great husband and two great kids, a really, really busy personal and professional life and what feels like not a single second to spare. What I long for is not another child but another birth, another moment of personal greatness, a miracle I helped create.

Maybe I'll just run another marathon.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Surgical Births

I Repeat: Always Press Save

Did you hear me? Did I hear myself? Why do I not learn?

On New Year's Day I spent all this time writing what I considered to be a beautifully crafted essay on my work in 2007.

Then someone made it all go away. It was an accident and I am not mad, but truthfully, it kinda sucks.

The gist of what I said was this: I attended 13 births in 2007, the first and last of which were c-sections, as well as 4 others in between. Seriously, that is really depressing. Here we are, thinking we actually make a difference, and in the end, not so much.

I was having a conversation with another doula today and we were talking about how part of our job is to "frame" these events for our clients. We help them process the events to they walk away feeling like the outcome was justified or that at least they did what they could. But how can I frame an almost 50% surgical birth rate in 1 year? My first year, not only was my c-section rate 0% ( out of 14 births) but I had 100% natural births! What has changed?

I think part of it is that the average person hiring a doula has changed. It used to that most everyone who hired labor support did so because they wanted help having an unmedicated birth in a hospital setting. Now that doulas are so much more a part of the general consciousness surrounding birth, more people are hiring doulas who have very little expectation of "natural" for their births. What's better? Good for the mother, good for doulas overall, bad for individual doulas who have to bear witness.

I feel thankful that I get to make a difference. I just look forward to making a bigger one, I guess.

I Know Where I Am...But Where Am I Going?

So you know you are doing a good thing when an old client calls you and asks to meet up for a few minutes just to give you a hug.

This woman didn't have the greatest birth imaginable in terms of outcome. However, she was well supported by her OB, her husband and me, her doula, and I know that made all the difference for her. I talk about this all the time with expectant mamas. It's not only what happens but how it happens. If you are an active participant, if your voice is heard, if you really, truly understand informed consent, then I guarantee you will walk away feeling proud.

I have been toiling/toying for the last few months with the idea of going back to school, yet again. And yes, I realize I am in many, many thousands of dollars in debt from by undergrad and my almost-finished-but-not-quite MA in English Literature. Please do not rub it in. Sallie Mae and my mother do a fine enough job, thank you. I have been looking into Berkley, among other places, for the Masters in Public Health (MPH) program with a focus on Maternal-child health. The main obstacle is: will there be a job on the other side? I want to be able to work to create change that will positively impact the state of childbirth in America. The people with money are on the other side of the coin. So unless I want to fund raise and create my own foundation, I am not sure if it is worth it. I have been really wanting to get involved on more of an activist level, but I am not really sure what the next step is. I see myself as having the capacity to be a public voice for childbirthing rights. I am just not sure how to get there.

In the meantime, I will just continue on, supporting women and families and promoting normal birth wherever and whenever I can.