December 14, 2007
For Immediate Release
NEW SURGERY SAVES MEN
Portland, OR- In a truly groundbreaking turn of events, the AMA has developed a procedure to save all the men of the world! No more discomfort, unnecessary pain....have a fecalectomy!
This exciting new medical development will rescue men from thousands of years of suffering. A simple incision in the intestine will make the concept of the "bowel movement" obsolete. No need to move anything! No more pushing! Your doctor can suction in out for you.
Long gone are the days of wondering "will today be the day?" "Will I be at work and have to go? What if I am in the middle of an important meeting? Do I have childcare?" Now you can schedule all of your pooping in advance! And best of all, you don't have to feel anything; after all, there is no glory in natural excretion. A simple epidural and it is all taken care of for you.
Risks include death, post-traumatic stress disorder, infection at the sight, greater need for re-hospitalization, blood loss and long hospital stays. Also, due to malpractice rates, you will be forbidden to sit on the toilet ever again without constant monitoring, and in some cases, never at all.