Note to self: do not trust "feelings"

I though it was going to be good. I really did. When I got in the car Bob Dylan and Coldplay came on the radio back to back, and I thought, gee, this is a good sign. I was feeling happy.

When we got to the hospital, mom, a young primip was already at 8! We were all elated, and I was thinking how great this was for her, that that was what the universe had in mind for her.

2 hours later she had an anterior lip. 6 hours after that she had an anterior lip. A little pit, an awesome midwife (or 2) and 4 more hours of pushing later, she had a baby girl. No epidural, lots of joy. A happy family.

Then the doc, as he was stitching up her tears, says, what's that going on with your uterus? She ended up having a uterine inversion, which for those of you that are lucky enough not to know, is a rare emergency where after delivery your uterus ends up inside out trying to come out of your vagina. It is very serious. I would love feedback from any of my midwife and doula readers who have any experience with this. So mom is rushed to the or, lost lots of blood, will be in the ICU for three days unable to see baby, nurse, bond. It's all just very maddening and sad.

This is exactly why I went to work for BOLD. The little picture of birth is just too emotionally draining.

Off to Bend to see the BOLD performance. Let me know if you'll be there too.

Who has time to be tired?

Or blog, for that matter? I would write extensively about how I had 4 clients deliver in 3.5 days, including one emergency section, one baby transported to a different hospital NICU than mom, 4 different hospitals and about 13 hours of sleep.....but I can't. We're having 24 people over for a Passover Seder tonight. Send caffeinated thoughts! And at least there's this: I am free to have the obligatory 4 cups of Passover wine since I am no longer on call:)

Be BOLD!

Now you know I do not ask for much, faithful (or unfaithful) reader. Today I am asking for 2 minutes of your time that I know can make a huge difference!

Thanks to initial and very exciting enthusiasm, BOLD has quickly risen to become one of the top contenders for this week's finalist spots on ideablob's $10,000 contest! However, the last 36 hours will be the most intense. It isn't too late to log on to ideablob.com Registration is easy. It will take a minute. Don't tell me you don't have a minute. I am not the annoying guy on the corner asking if you have a minute for our earth, oh, and by the way, did you bring your checkbook? We just want your vote to support BOLD's quest for the March ideablob award!

As you may know BOLD is an organization that uses the arts to inspire social action, including supporting local communities for the last 2 years without asking for any financial contributions from our participants. I am the Performance and Talkback Coordinator for this fine, fine organization which has about 5 cents to it's name. With your vote that can change!

So, here are two simple things you can do to help:

The ideablob.com contest is very democratic. The 2 ideas with the most votes by midnight on Friday, March 14 will become finalists in this month's contest, which will have it's final sprint from March 22-31.

Thank you! You rock!

What a long, strange trip it's been

The last three weeks have been a total blur. Between dealing with a friends horrific loss and my own family being sick for 3 weeks, I feel like I have lost many days of my own life. Oh, and yeah, I was away visiting family for 5 days, too.

Part of this trip involved meeting up with all of my siblings and driving to middle-of-nowhere-but-up-a-scary-mountain, California to see my dad's place and meet his girlfriend.



She was very nice, fine, whatever. Then I found out she had a home birth and all of a sudden I started to like her a little more:) Though interestingly enough, that birth was her fifth and she said if given the chance (not likely, as she is 60) she wouldn't do it again. She didn't want the drugs, just the safety she felt the hospital assured her. It made me think about what I feel the most strongly about is not how any one woman in particular births, but that it is her right to have access to whatever type of care she desires. I wish the feminist movement would take birth on as a choice issue. If we deserve the right to choose to have a baby, shouldn't we also have the right to have it on our own terms?

While we were in the aforementioned small town, my dad wanted to take us to see the zoo that his "spiritual community" owns. Lots of animals that I am not sure belong in a zoo, like emus and 2 manecoon cats with their own personal shrine to their leader, which I do not understand personally as I think my cat is the least conscious being in my house, but that is neither here nor there. After we visited the "regular" zoo, we were to go see the "camel" zoo. Apparently there is some concern that the camels would be either killed or stolen, so they keep them at this hidden space way the fuck up this already isolated mountain. This drive in my rented Hyundai Elantra caused me a severe panic attack. As we were leaving I realized I could not operate the vehicle without a valium, so I gave the keys to my sister. Then she drove the car into a ditch. Over a big rock. Then we had to be towed. Lots of fun. Luckily the folks at enterprise didn't care about their cars because their inspection showed no scratches.

The small highlight of the zoo experience was that two of the camels, mother and daughter, were pregnant. The mother was due to give birth any day. The camel guy told me they birth standing up and the baby drops onto the ground. Ouch! I was tempted to camp out up there to see if I could camel-doula, but I decided sitting on the couch and drinking wine from Napa was a far better idea.

Who needs an epidural when you can eat chocolate?

For starters, here's something wonderful: cheap red table wine and chocolate covered blueberries. Seriously good. I have very little interest in a wine and cheese tasting, but I sure wish someone would do a wine and chocolate tasting. Now there's something I would pay money for.
I now return you to our previously scheduled conversation.
As I mentioned last time we spoke, I have gotten involved with BOLD, an acronym for Birth on Labor Day. It's a fantastic organization whose goal is to make maternity care more mother-friendly. BOLD is a grassroots movement that uses the arts to empower communities to educate themselves, speak their truth about birth and finally to take action in regards to maternity care issues.
The foundation of BOLD is Birth, an amazing and inspiring play written by Karen Brody. Now for the third year, many cities around the world will stage performances of this play as fundraisers for their own grassroots organizations. After the play, they would also have a talkback, essentially a panel discussion about the current state of birth with members of that community, such as OB's, midwives, doulas, etc. My job is Performance and Talkback Coordinator. I am the behind the scenes person that will help all these communities ( hopefully many this year!) make this happen.
One of the things I have to do is filter through this email account and do alot of sending and receiving and lots of other techy-type stuff that is, let me tell you, way different than cooling a mom's head in labor and reminding her what a great job she is doing! Though maybe, as I sit here and write this, I will end up "doula-ing" these groups through their birth of Birth. Hmmm. Anyway, so yesterday I was sitting at my desk going through this inbox (which is very vast) and i see an email from Ina. Ina! Ina May! Holy shit! I could email Ina May! This thought sent shivers of joy down my spine and I was truly excited for the rest of the day. By the way, if you are reading this and you don't know who Ina May is, please, please, run to your nearest bookstore and grab Spiritual Midwifery. Please. Tell them the crazy doula sent you.

So here I am, at the beginning of this great new journey with BOLD, with a binder full of clients having babies and births, and for the first time in a while feeling fully optimistic. Of course, it could be the wine and chocolate. I'll let you know.

Birth at St. V's

I am still too tired and confused to have totally processed the very, very long birth I just attended, but I do have to give props to Dr. Sally Wentross and the many nurses at St. Vincents who handled an extremely difficult situation with grace and generosity. Often doulas are hesitant to work there as is can be a hostile environment but this was not the case today.

Reasons to Have a Home Birth

1. No unnecessary fetal monitoring that leads to unnecessary pitocin that leads to unnecessary instruments pulling your baby from your body.

2. You will never be coerced into having a speculum exam to prove your water actually broke, even though fluid has been pouring out of your body for 6 hours.

3. You will not contract a staph infection at home, nor will you be told your baby has meningitis by mistake because of a "contaminated draw."

4. Your doctor or midwife won't be able to convince you that they need to manually stretch out your vagina because home birth midwives know they don't need to.

5. You will feel safer and you will be right.

6. You will not be woken up every two hours for various ridiculous reasons.

7. You will be able to eat and drink in labor.

8. You will be treated as if you are walking through a rite of passage, not as if you have a potentially life threatening disease.

9. No one will ever say to you "aren't you ready for that epidural yet?"

You should not need to have a home birth to have your rights as a laboring women upheld. But sometimes, you do.

Two for the road

After a 5 month lapse (I cannot believe that it really was that long) I attended 2 births in 48 hours. One was amazing, the other frustrating though ultimately positive, both keen reminders of why I do what I do.

I am way too tired to say another word.

"I'll take Potpurri for $200, Alex."

A few unrelated thoughts.

Taking the advice of a good doula friend, when I got my tattoo I totally "doulad" myself through the whole thing. It was very Penny Simkin-esque. I was awash in rhythm, ritual and to whatever extent I could, rocking. It was very interesting, actually. I was tapping my foot the whole time to the beat of my breath, in two three four, out two three four. I was a big foot tapper in my births as well. When I do prenatals with my clients we always talk about reactions to stress and coping mechanisms. I guess however you are in life is how you are in birth. Or vise versa.

I need a life doula for tomorrow. I have a root canal. Childbirth, no problem. Dental work, whole different ball game.

I have met with some really amazing women lately. I always feel so honored when I get hired, so grateful to be able to share in this amazing time in a family's life.

Listen to WFUV online, Fordam U's really cool radio station.

The Sherpa

I know a lot about a lot of things, but mountain climbing is not one of them. So when a client and her husband revealed to me that they were secretly refering to me as "the sherpa," I had no idea that it was a really great compliment! Of course, he was not saying it to be nice, he just couldn't remember the word doula:)

I can only assume (read:hope) I am not the only one who thought a sherpa was a fleece-lined coat or blanket. Then I realize it's a mountain guide, and I think, how freaking perfect! I always compare labor to running the marathon, because I have done that so I understand the challenge, both physical and mental. But I have never climbed the Himalayas, thank God, so I really didn't make the immediate connection. If you have never climbed a mountain, it'd be a great idea to have a guide to lead you through the process. Heck, it'd probably be a necessity. The sherpas help you pace yourself, drink enough water, keep you focused, remind you to keep your body in the right positions and keep your mind positive.

That is exactly what we as doulas do. We can't do the work of labor for you, but we can help make it easier and more positive. Doulas guide women (and their partners) through a challenging yet ultimately rewarding time. The best compliment I can get is not that someone feels they couldn't have done it without me, but that they wouldn't have wanted to.

The Blahs and the Aahs

I haven't written anything lately because I haven't known what to say. As much as I love what I do, overall I have been feeling pretty jaded lately. I was on the phone with my mother the other day ranting about the state of birth in our country, how it is nearly impossible to have a normal birth with all the routine interventions, but mostly in the culture of fear and weakness surrounding childbirth in the United States. When I realized I was ranting like a lunatic and that instead of listening to me she was thinking about what to make for dinner, it occurred to me that I am in desperate need of a vacation.

I define myself largely by what I do, and if I don't feel good about that, I don't feel good about me.

My clients rely on me to be a positive force. My job is to protect their birth space from all negative energy, to make them feel like they are doing the best job they can with the tools they were given and the hand they were dealt. It's hard to do that when you are feeling shitty. Luckily I scheduled myself off for the month of June so I can get a little time to reassess.

By the way, in the midst of all this funk, I saw something really beautiful last week. This mom had an ordeal of a labor that ended in surgery. She had been awake forever and was feeling pretty poor overall. But when they put that baby in her arms, it was a miracle in the making. Everything else faded away and what was left was two new people, in love at first sight, being perfect together. In all the births I have seen, this was the most immediate, instinctual, natural mothering. Her birth may not have been perfect but her connection with her baby definitely was. Welcome to your world, D.

What happens if people realize I'm not perfect?

A few weeks ago I sent an email to an old client I had been trying to get in touch with. She had a really amazing birth- one of those that make doulas feel like they really make a difference. The mom and her husband were both overjoyed and extraordinarily grateful, and I went home with a smile on my face.

Four days later my father-in-law died of cancer.

Him and I were particularly close, and his passing fell on me like a ton of bricks. He was living with our family for the last part of his life, so everywhere I turned was a reminder of his life and death. I was in no shape to counsel anyone, least of all someone in the most exciting time of their life.

When I talked to the dad a couple of days after the birth, he mentioned that mom was having some nipple pain with breastfeeding. Since I was not up to a visit, I asked a Lactation Consultant friend to do a postpartum home visit for me so this family did not get deserted in this sacred time. She did, and they were thankful for the support.

A few weeks later I finally called this family. I left a few messages, sent a few emails. Mom had her own familial illness in California to contend with, so after a number of tries with little response, I let it go, assuming that was what they wanted.

When I heard back from this mom recently, she told be she felt dissapointed by my level of care after the birth of their baby. That I had not been there in the way they imagined.
I was totally shocked, extremely upset, and realistically, a little ego shattered. That's the first time anyone ever gave me that feedback, and it especially stung since I genuinely like this couple and thought we had a great experience together.

After much time spent mulling this over, I realize that how I feel or what I think I did or did not do does not matter at all. Who is right is immaterial. A new mom felt abandoned, one that was in my care, and regardless of what happened, I have to respect that feeling. Not because it's right, just because she feels it. New moms need support, love, attention and protection. As labor doulas we need to make sure that after the birth, even if it is not in our scope of practice, that these moms are getting the care they need. As hard as it sometimes is, people hire us to put ourselves aside and be fully present in our clients' lives. She needed me, and although she didn't tell me verbally, had I been there physically I probably would've known.